I love "The Onion." News parodies are my catnip. Below is one I wrote a while back. I feel the need to preface it with this explanation because in our absurdly lawsuit-happy society, people may believe it's a real story.
ParodyNews. When Mark Davis slipped and fell in his driveway, little did
he know it was only the beginning of a legal nightmare that would consume the
better part of the ensuing months of his life. Since February, he has been
battling in the courts in a lawsuit he filed against himself for negligence,
and legal experts eagerly await its outcome.
“I didn’t ask to be injured,” explained Davis. “I think every U.S. citizen has the constitutional right to be able to walk across his own driveway without getting hurt.” Although Davis does not know exactly what it was that caused the fall, the resulting injury to his knee and pains to his back and neck have cost him thousands of dollars in hospital bills.
He also seeks compensation for work missed and for pain and suffering. "The wilfull negligence is obvious," Davis asserted. "That driveway was literally covered in twigs, leaves and loose dirt, and has been for as long as I can remember. It was just a matter of time [before someone got injured because of it]."
Davis hired personal injury attorney Morgan Johns, who acknowledges the long odds of winning the case. However, with the recent trend in litigation, Johns feels the time is right for the legal protection of people from their own actions. “Ten years ago, this would have been a lost cause. But now, with the way the courts have been ruling, I anticipate a favorable decision.” Johns is so confident in what he expects to be a surge in clients with similar cases that he has already opened new offices in several cities to handle the increased caseload. “'Davis vs. Davis' will be the ‘Roe vs. Wade’ for anyone who slams their hand in a door, drops a cinderblock on their foot, or is the victim of any other needless injury or suffering.”
Davis also had hired attorney Melanie Dupree for his defense. “I don’t want this coming out of my pocket or jacking my homeowner’s insurance payments up,” Davis explained. Both sides will be wrapping up their arguments in the hearing scheduled for next week. An emotionally exhausted Davis is cautiously optimistic about the outcome. “No matter what the judge says, I’ll know that at least I tried to seek justice for myself. But I hope I win.”
“I didn’t ask to be injured,” explained Davis. “I think every U.S. citizen has the constitutional right to be able to walk across his own driveway without getting hurt.” Although Davis does not know exactly what it was that caused the fall, the resulting injury to his knee and pains to his back and neck have cost him thousands of dollars in hospital bills.
He also seeks compensation for work missed and for pain and suffering. "The wilfull negligence is obvious," Davis asserted. "That driveway was literally covered in twigs, leaves and loose dirt, and has been for as long as I can remember. It was just a matter of time [before someone got injured because of it]."
Davis hired personal injury attorney Morgan Johns, who acknowledges the long odds of winning the case. However, with the recent trend in litigation, Johns feels the time is right for the legal protection of people from their own actions. “Ten years ago, this would have been a lost cause. But now, with the way the courts have been ruling, I anticipate a favorable decision.” Johns is so confident in what he expects to be a surge in clients with similar cases that he has already opened new offices in several cities to handle the increased caseload. “'Davis vs. Davis' will be the ‘Roe vs. Wade’ for anyone who slams their hand in a door, drops a cinderblock on their foot, or is the victim of any other needless injury or suffering.”
Davis also had hired attorney Melanie Dupree for his defense. “I don’t want this coming out of my pocket or jacking my homeowner’s insurance payments up,” Davis explained. Both sides will be wrapping up their arguments in the hearing scheduled for next week. An emotionally exhausted Davis is cautiously optimistic about the outcome. “No matter what the judge says, I’ll know that at least I tried to seek justice for myself. But I hope I win.”
