I should start by stating that I love my daughter, Michaela, very much, and she is a high achiever in so many ways. HOWEVER.... there were times a couple years ago, when she was on the cusp of going away to college, that I could have made a pretty good case that she might not be ready to live on her own. I call my next witness to the stand: me.
"Mr. Scotchie, can you tell us what happened on the night of July 6, 2013, around 9 p.m.?"
"Yes, yes I can. We were in the back yard, my wife and I and a couple of neighborhood friends, enjoying a nice fire in our firepit. Since the firepit was pretty close to the house, when the wind shifted the smoke would fill the house, so we had the door to the living room closed."
"And were you aware that it is a violation of city code to have a firepit within 30 feet of your home?”
“Errrr….”
“Bailiff, please keep this witness on the premises after we’re done here. To continue, what happened at around 9 p.m.?”
“My daughter arrived, my almost-college aged daughter, to let us know she was home and was probably going to join us.”
“And to tell you this, she would have had to open the French door from the living room to the porch, and then the porch’s screen door to the patio.”
“Yes, that is correct. She was holding the screen door open as we spoke, I remember.”
“And what happened next?”
“Well, when we finished, I asked her to close the door so that smoke from the fire wouldn’t get into the house, because we were so close to the house, and the smoke would just…. uh….”
“Objection, your honor! My client is an idiot!"
"Sustained. Keep to the case at hand, counselor."
"Yes, your honor. Mr. Scotchie, please continue – what happened next?”
“So after I tell her to close the door so that smoke doesn’t get into the house, she nods her head and closes the screen door.”
“The screen door, and not the French door made of glass and wood?”
“Yes sir.”
“No further questions, your honor."
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